My relationship ended, I feel like I lost my best friend, I’m all alone again. In deep pain. I’m an extreme emotional eater, so I’ve been eating to no end. I constantly want to eat something bad, to stuff down my pain. The night of “the talk” I got dressed and headed to the grocery store circling the junk food aisles like a hawk. I roamed the pastry aisle, hmm fruit filled cones looks nice. Then I walked through the packaged sweets aisle, how about a honey bun? I walked out the store empty handed because I decided I wanted something savory, *ding*, a Jamaican pattie sounds good right about now. So I crossed the street to the local Jamaican store and bought a Jamaican pattie and a fried chicken wing. I even stopped by the pizza store next door for some ranch dressing to drizzle on my chicken. I headed home with my treats, not in any hunger fueled rush. Actually, I wasn’t even hungry, I just needed to distract myself from the pain. That’s all it is, a distraction. The next day, I couldn’t pass up the offer of 2 slices of pizza, with a side of heavily dressed salad. I had 2 fruit turnovers as I left work, oh my aching heart.
1 week later:
The first 3 days were hard, I cried at the gym, cried a lot at home… just crying all the time. I lost my best friend. So so sad, heartbroken. Food helped me to partially get some peace. But at night I was left alone with my thoughts, one night I didn’t sleep at all. I would rehearse my reasoning to myself ( I was awkwardly silently during the break up talk, too afraid to cry). Some days I feel like I’m getting over it, then I come home, alone, with no anticipation to hear his voice or see his smiling face while he cooked in my kitchen. (I’m crying again!) When will it get easy?
On Saturday, my friend was an amazing support, we went to the gym, and then went to a restaurant and had girl talk. It was a nice intermission from my sadness, almost made me feel like everything would be okay. On Sunday, I was in deep slumber most of the day, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I did make it to the gym and ate relatively well, however the feeling of loneliness was my only companion.
Today I’m straddled on the fence of hope and despair. I want to move on and find my soul mate, meaning I have to get over this heartbreak. At the same time, I’m battling thoughts that I just lost my soul mate, and there is no one man on white horse coming to soothe me. I also ate terrible today, so there’s that. Maybe I’m leaning more towards despair.
The only positive to come out of this turmoil is that I am more focused on my personal development goals. I have finally committed to pursue a personal training certificate, from NASM. I am actually excited to start studying, it’s been a while since I’ve flexed my nerdy brainiac side. Another pursuit is to re-learn how to drive and get a car, this will truly expand my horizon and allow me some freedom to explore different interests.
If rainbows follow rainstorms, this hurt might produce some magic. Maybe I lost myself in him and I need to redirect my attention to myself. Follow my own dreams, instead of cheering him on, invest in myself. Will I move on and get over this pain? I sure hope so, cuz I want to be happy (and healthy) again!